Tuesday, January 23, 11:55 am
I just finished a run of this new 21 minute solo….the solo that seemed to make itself. The solo about being a woman, about owning my womanhood, a solo about breasts and breast cancer and visibility of the flesh, a solo about reclaiming power and sexuality. A solo about walls, real and imagined, a solo that practices NO
The hardest words, I can not get louder, I do not feel the power inside me to yell. I do have the confidence to scream, my voice will only go so loud, my anger, there is no rage, I have not allowed myself to find rage, I have not allowed myself to push, push, push, I need to find the edges of my physicality, I need to push myself as a performer into uncomfortable ranges. I need to be ok with nudity, my nudity, my bare chest, I need those around me to give me permission to do with my body what I please. I need to give myself permission for desires, to expose, to find a vulnerability in being seen, in changing what I think of my body….I am working on pushing into new territory into being brave.
Why the sound, the sound of my hands
The shaking of my breast and ass
Believing that I have flesh….the flesh was so dirty…..I want to open up and I am scared of not ever taking risks artistically – I really want to push my work, I want to be a solo artist that does evening length work, I need to work my way up to a 50 – 60 minute solo and this 21 minutes feels like a good start – learning how to pace, how to fill time, how to have multiple events that are not specific choreography.
I need to keep running this dance, keep watching this dance, keep doing this dance – 3 times a week for the next 2 months- I need this opportunity. I am thirsty, I am hungry. I want to become the artist I respect, I want to apply my feedback, my choreographic mind to my own work. I want to grow and evolve and see myself as an artist. And it is terrifying, but in this movement I feel whole, I feel at peace, I feel heard, I need dancing more than dancing needs me. I need art for myself, I need art to feel whole, alive, present, embodied, I need art to move things through me. I need art to find my voice. I need art to scream, to have emotions, to have power, to feel physicality.
This dance is about being a woman but it is also a dance about my family.
Why the fans? I know the boxes are borders / barriers / walls….are the fans the same? but the delicacy, the being careful that they don’t break, the complexity, the walls that aren’t so easy – do they represent the multiplicity – here I am…..here I want to be, I need to be. I want to keep on moving, FORWARD.
What to wear? On top – just a shirt?
On bottom – legs exposed?
How to pace the work – sound landmarks?
Why have I been afraid to write? What am I afraid of opening, of saying?
How can I reenter this practice with a purpose, a clear intent of speaking my truth, of finding my truth?
Definitely different at the end
Transformation at the end??
Something has to change at the end. Who do you become?
This is a blog of processes. Through the sharing of media and writing I am following my impulses, teasing out and unpacking, translating, solidifying, and making concrete my investigations into something that can be shared.