Tuesday, February 27, 2018 2:14 pm
 
What is inside of two of the boxes – I want the top box to be empty – maybe blankets? I am imagining lots of blanets or maybe books??
 
Do I ever get inside the box?
Do I ever move with eyes closed?
What will I do with the blankets?
 
Do I constantly reorganize the space, reorganize it to the point where I finally decide to collapse it on itself?
What do each of these shifts signify??
 
Sound score needs fixing (longer version)
 
My breast feel so free outside of the bra…what are ways the bra is binding me, making me feel bound, making me feel contained…..How do my ribs have to constantly fight the bra..what a relief it is to be dancing unbound.
 
Control – what is being controlled? My body? My actions?
 
Not at all….
Rebekah, do you mind…..not at all.
I have a spirit of service, but how is that taken advantage of? How is that connected to gender?
 
I think of breast and what my family has been through – breast tissue as something that brings me pleasure but also a source of tremendous pain, frustration, a source of control
Is it possible to reclaim this tissue – there is an over saturation of breast, access of breast…..
 
Not gendered but a part of me…..
 
What does out of control feel like?
 
Role of stillness and solo motion in this work??
 
Words to move from:
 
Insistence / insist
“the political labor necessary of having to insist that what we are describing is not just what we are feeling or thinking. A feminist movement depends on our ability to keep insisting on something: the ongoing existence of the very thing we wish to bring to an end. The labor of that insistence is what I describe in this book” (Ahmed 6)
 
"what persists"
 
"spaces of encounter. How we are touched by things; how we touch things."
 
"Shattering, splattering"
 
"To take care, to be careful"
 
"To become accommodating, we take up less space, a tightening, a narrowing,"
 
"What does it mean to fill a space? To take up space? To make a space?"
 
Can I imagine every cell of my body expanding to fill the room?
Can I counter habits of narrowing, redefine my presence in a room
Can I embrace my width and length…..
 
Neverless she persisted….
 
What is the embodiment of persistence and resistance….
 
Ashley Makes costume?
Remix of every female empowerment song?
Tennis shoes?

Wild
 
Untamed
 
Softness, vulnerability, emotions.
 
What if when the audience enters, I am writing. I am faithfully putting the words to page. The words that will be on the paper, the paper that will surround me, comfort me, claim me, the words that have inscribed me, my stories, my witness, my comfort, my joy, what if all the words are crumbled up on the floor.  What if I dig myself a hole and begin underneath those words. What if I am born? What if I gather all the paper and let it comfort me, surround me, take hold of me. What if I begin with the paper, it feeding me, holding me, supporting me, caring for me…..
Paper all around, white with words, thousands of words. The work is the writing of the words. The work is inscribing it into being….
 
Paper, paper, paper, stand up,
 
Accumulate the gestures, the movement….
Full bodied coordination does not seem possible yet.
 
I can not get myself to move with energy.  I need that paper….
 
More repetition of themes – returning to things – bringing it back – continuing experience, rhythmic repetition – effective – developed
 

​Monday, February 26, 2018 2:30 pm
 
I am moving in the studio, working through the discomfort of my physicality in this moment, pain throughout, soreness, exhaustion, a general sense of too much.
It is all too much.
It is exhausting to try and do everything, be everything, the pressures I put on myself.
The conflicting desires, the precariousness of academia, the wondering what should get prioritized when.
The desire for rest, restorative, constructive….why does rest need adjectives. What does it mean to rest? Could I make a dance of stillness, a dance of rest.
This practice of moving pieces, this practice of rolling, pouring my weight on the floor, this practice of feeling my surfaces come in contact with other surfaces.
Wondering where I can find a home in dance.
Wondering who will accept me, who will make space for my practices.
Wondering why I need others, why can I not sustain this work alone
What does it mean to work alone?
Is there really ever the absence of other bodies?
Is my work always and constantly infused my the presences of others?
I feel the traces in my body.
I feel the traces in the space.
I imagine the studio ignited with the fires of all that have sweat in here before.
I want to support but I also want to be supported.
Who will ask me radical questions?
Who will support me in my investigations?
What frames – how do I move in and out?
In as much as out and out as much as in.
Tired.
Tired of finding the compelling reason to get into the studio
Tried of doing the work, invisible work
Why do I want to visibilize this process in the studio?
What is my desire to be seen?
Seeing and being seen.
What does it take to hold the wholeness of someone and their complexities in front of you?
How can we speak to our pain in technique class?
Why is no one talking about these things in the context of dancing?
Why another ballet class??
 
Why can’t I focus my work – why can’t I selet a clear POV for what I do- name it- seek it, do it?