October 19, 2017, 1:30 pm
It is hard for me to find time for my own practices, for being in the studio alone, for moving, for taking time, for concrentarting my attention, and I need that badly today. I need to narrow my attention, as my nervous system feels a bit unconcentrated, a bit over-engaged. I wonder why these practices serve me- I wonder if I can sustain this, I wonder if I want to keep going at this. I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder if I can do less, if I should do more, I wonder and I try to keep myself studying, keep myself curious and open and moving, moving, moving, moving, going, going, going, do not stop, do not let yourself become complacent, keep shifting, keep changing, keep evolving, keeping going at it, is there a lack of acceptance of myself as I am or is this drive a desire to be present, to live, to consider each moment for itself and all its possibilities.
Why do I desire to fight habit, why do I desire to be aware, painfully aware, what is my obsession with awareness, with knowing, with understanding, with seeing, do I want to be seen? How do I want to be made visible? How do I want to show up in a space and demand visibility? In what ways am I selfish in my practices?
I wonder about my marriage – and children, I wonder about equality- I wonder if we can be parents who mutually raise a child- I think about the influences on my life- books- books guided me – writing- it has always been an essentially part of who I am. I always wanted to be visible as a writer – acknowledged for these thought processes.
I wonder about performing- how much I miss that but how much I just miss the opportunities to dance, to be forced into a certain kind of attention, a certain seriousness, what I love about performance is that it demands concentration, it demands focus, it demands attention, what I love about performance is that a space is being held, a certain energy, a certain gathering together of forces, what I love about performance is what it brings out in me, a committement, an engagement, a deep prescense. I want more spaces where I am held to that accountablility – that need to say yes, to radically be here. It is a demand to be in the now. I miss the newness of performance.
I am running out of words but am committed to writing, and its hard when there is no one in the space saying yes, when there is no one in the space who is encouraging you, supporting you, holding you, believing that you can and will stay with it, there is an unspoken rule that I will keep going, that I will stay with it, that no matter what unfolds on the stage, the show will go on, you will keep at it, you will not stop, you will not give up, you will not change your mind and decommittment. Performance is accountability, it is a social contract saying that I will be preparing and I will be with you. Performance is a community, performance is showing up in that community and fulfilling your end of the bargin. I love making, I love the process of making, but what I realize is that I desire there to be consequence. I desire for someone to care that I showed up. I desire to be in this process together. This is why I make solos, to know myself, yes, to move through, in, with, yes, but also because I know that the performance will result in togetherness. Even if the process didn’t allow us to gather, we will gather –
This is a blog of processes. Through the sharing of media and writing I am following my impulses, teasing out and unpacking, translating, solidifying, and making concrete my investigations into something that can be shared.