Wednesday, September 27, 2017 12:35 pm
 
I know that this practice has value. I know that this practice is necessary to my evolution as an artist, but there are moments where I wonder how I can prove it, how I can capitalize on this process, and I wonder about capitalism and its affect on my trajectory in the arts.  Do I desire to publish in order to commodify my practice?  Do I desire to publish in order to meet the demands of a capitalist society that value works, productivity, and labor? I believe that teaching is one way of sharing knowledge, of being in dialogue with others, to form communities of learning.  In what ways do journals / magazines create these communities – they bridge the gap between places, they allow people to exchange ideas and be in conversation about issues regardless of where they are located.. I believe in the value of published writing, I am a avid reader, I am constantly reading,
I read to understand a world that is different from my own. I read to escape the world that I am located in. I read to deepen my engagement with ideas. I read to open doors, widen possibilities, expand horizons. Yet, I am struggling to write for publication and I wonder why? I wonder why I feel hesitant to work in this way – is it because I am lacking the capacity to deepen a singular engagement – writing would force me to commit to a line of inquiry- but I feel that I do this in practice – I have been committed for quite some time to depatterning, decolonizing, stripping away habits in moving and thinking….but I am having trouble to committing to composing in writing….how do I cultivate this practice?
 
In what ways is decolonizing your mind a part of somatic practices? Both practices are about shifting ways of being in the world, both practices look toward the unconscious, both practices are about bridging awareness, habit, and action. 
 
How can somatic practices begin to take a more active role in social justice movements?
How are they uniquely positioned to help us address the issues of twenty-first century?
 
Maybe my concern is finding a writing style that works well for me……

Monday, September 25, 2017 11:51 am
 
I am hungry. I am hungry for all of this tension to end. I hate discord, I hate disruption, I hate feeling as though I am caught in the middle, or is it that I hate that I am not confident in my rightness, that I am unsure about whether or not my point of view is right, these binaries keep sneaking in, this either / or way of thinking, this us versus them mentality and I am working towards shifting, fluid, what if we think of the body as being boundary less…..but that is also its own set of problems
 
How can I find a sense of permeability in my performance?
How can I allow their to be influence?
Is it easiest for me to allow the space to influence, to partner with the space, to duet with where I am located.
It is easiest for me to locate myself in my internal terrain.
It is harder for me to locate myself in the bigger landscape – how do I contextualize my work within the field, who are my influences? Who am I influencing?
 
I am tired, tired of feeling like I have to justify my way of being in the world.
Radical shift
I refuse to be the expert in the room, I am constantly negociating all my messiness.
 
.....censored....
 
Where am I located?

Maybe I teach a class, write a paper about permeability……this is a somatic idea
Whole – whole includes out and in
 
In as much as out
Out as much as in
Teaching me to show up

• “Those of us raised in the United States or other western cultures are taught to define ourselves as unique, fully autonomous, rational individuals with permanent boundaries between ourselves and all others” (Keating 248)

• “It dawns on you that you’re not contained by your skin – you exist outside your body, and outside your dreambody as well. If the body is energy, is spirit – it doesn’t have boundaries. What if you experienced your body expanding to the size of the room, not your soul leaving your body? What if freedom occurs by widening the psyche/body borders, widening the consciousness that senses self (the body is the basis for the conscious sense of self, the representation of self in the mind)? (Anzaldua 555).

• “She replaces the self-enclosed, intensely alienating individualism described above with a fluid, relational selfhood: “The self does not stop with just you, with your body. The self penetrates other things and they penetrate you.” (162) This permeable self extends outward, meeting, touching, entering into exchange with other subjects (human and nonhuman alike). Significantly, this outward movement is not an imperialistic appropriating, where the self-contained subject grows larger by extending its boundaries to incorporate or annihilate every object in its path. It is, rather, a mutual encounter between subjects” (Keating 249).

 
In the Alexander Technique, awareness of self in movement……
 
How to capture, hold onto all these ideas, how to make sense of them, how to discern what is important, what has relevance?
 
I can not hold my concentration when writing, I am wandering, I am not present, I am searching, I am searching for an idea to stick.
 
While I was Dancing  (title of paper?)
 
“invisible made visible”
 
“what surfaces”
“how they mingle and compound; how lead one deeper into the unknown and point to mysteries. And find their way back to the familiar and expressible”
“A barrier had been pierced, a dam broken, her body had pitched her into feeling”
 
integrated
resonates
felt sense
embodiment
internalized
“It’s something that is no good trying to hurry” (Carrington 130)
“You’ve got to take the time. You’ve got to be prepared to take the time it takes” (Carrington 131)
 
"asking more than they are capable of in that moment…..what you ask, how much you ask, and what you insist on….." (Carrington 54)
 
“what we need is a kind of awareness which is as wide as possible, taking account as many factors as we are capable of” (Carrington 92)
 
It seems all so much bigger than a dance.
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