Wondering...

​Monday, February 26, 2018 2:30 pm
 
I am moving in the studio, working through the discomfort of my physicality in this moment, pain throughout, soreness, exhaustion, a general sense of too much.
It is all too much.
It is exhausting to try and do everything, be everything, the pressures I put on myself.
The conflicting desires, the precariousness of academia, the wondering what should get prioritized when.
The desire for rest, restorative, constructive….why does rest need adjectives. What does it mean to rest? Could I make a dance of stillness, a dance of rest.
This practice of moving pieces, this practice of rolling, pouring my weight on the floor, this practice of feeling my surfaces come in contact with other surfaces.
Wondering where I can find a home in dance.
Wondering who will accept me, who will make space for my practices.
Wondering why I need others, why can I not sustain this work alone
What does it mean to work alone?
Is there really ever the absence of other bodies?
Is my work always and constantly infused my the presences of others?
I feel the traces in my body.
I feel the traces in the space.
I imagine the studio ignited with the fires of all that have sweat in here before.
I want to support but I also want to be supported.
Who will ask me radical questions?
Who will support me in my investigations?
What frames – how do I move in and out?
In as much as out and out as much as in.
Tired.
Tired of finding the compelling reason to get into the studio
Tried of doing the work, invisible work
Why do I want to visibilize this process in the studio?
What is my desire to be seen?
Seeing and being seen.
What does it take to hold the wholeness of someone and their complexities in front of you?
How can we speak to our pain in technique class?
Why is no one talking about these things in the context of dancing?
Why another ballet class??
 
Why can’t I focus my work – why can’t I selet a clear POV for what I do- name it- seek it, do it?