I find that posting online keeps me accountable, thus I am embarking on a daily writing challenge for myself. Whatever is written will be posted here; it will be raw, sometimes unfocused, and mostly unedited.
As I sit here with my feet planted on the floor, I find my mind wandering. I have tasked myself with the goal of writing daily, working towards publishing for the sake of publishing and not because I feel as though I have something worth sharing. Writing as a way of organizing my thoughts; writing as a way of figuring out. In my process oriented life I find writing as a means to an end impossible. It is why I hated writing papers for graduate school; it is why I am hesitate to return to school for a PhD. Writing to figure out, that I can get behind. Writing to learn, to unfold, to understand, to unpack an experience, an idea, a sensation.
It is the same in the studio. I can spend hours in the studio moving for the sake of connecting to my self. Yet there is a moment where what I am exploring becomes something. When a nugget of an idea takes form and from there the making is satisfying, the shaping, the narrowing, the repeating until it is just right, until a connection is made, until I enter a state of flow.
And I come back to this idea of flow and how it is so important to my dance making. Flow is like an inner compass that tells me that what I am doing is right; flow is when I can maintain my concentration, attention, and when I am living. I am not processing my living; I am not questioning my choices; I am not disembodied, analyzing what I am doing and why I am doing it.
I think that is why I am so miserable in my life right now. I am questioning my choices. I am wondering how I got here, why I am here, I am not confident, not sure of my footing and it is an uncertainty that takes me outside of my self. It is an uncertainty that makes me unhappy,
Being present for me is being in a state of flow where I feel as though my whole self is one. I am not distracted; I feel centered, calm, at peace no matter what is happening because I am fully present. I am not concerned with how slow time is passing; I am only concerned with the task at hand. I cannot worry; I can only be.
This is a blog of processes. Through the sharing of media and writing I am following my impulses, teasing out and unpacking, translating, solidifying, and making concrete my investigations into something that can be shared.