July 8, 2017, 2:49 pm
I have been improvising to my music. It's interesting to allow myself the pleasure of moving without composing. When I do find myself in composition, that is when my habit seems to appear the most. I inhabit my head in a certain way, an awareness of other even when I am alone in the room. What is up with that? How can I be alone in the space but still aware of a presence outside of myself, a jugdement? Who is this person in the space with me and how is there invisible presence shapping my decision making? Why is there a sense that I am making, that there is an audience, that I am being seen? How does that shape my thought presence, my embodiment?
There are moments when I am in the room with others that I don’t move as though I am being seen, and there are moments when I am alone in the space and I am moving for myself, moving for healing, for house keeping, moving because I need to, moving because every part of me begins to feel stuck, every part of me begins to feel stagnant, and moving is what I need to do to keep things moving- to find a release, a flow, a ripple, circulating, what is this idea of circulating? what is circulating? How is it circulating?
I am finding after the training this summer than I have a stronger sense of memory while dancing, that images from my life seem to visit me as I am moving. I am also more present with my vision, considering where I am, seeing space, placing myself inside of spaces, that there are others with me even when I am alone, that I am somewhere not here, somewhere real, somewhere imagined. I am finding that I need to be in the studio, that being in the studio is like breath, and what I like about the studio is its stability, its clean, clear, stable ground, a freedom to move without fear of stumbling, cuts, splinters, I like the windows, the light feeding in. I like the firmness, the massage of rolling on the surface, massaging all parts
What just happened in my dancing? What could I describe? I was rolling on the floor switching between two ways of seeing, seeing the ground beneath my feet and then the space above my head. I am playing with gesture, internal rotation of my arms, the stutter of my legs as it rond de jambes, I am thinking about my students, my teaching, my performing.
There are moments when I desire for new friendships when I just want the excitement of getting to know somone, really getting to know them, building intimacy. I crave intimacy; this is something I know about myself, I desire relationships where there is mutal sharing, where someone is letting me in. What are the relationships between people? How are they built, maintained? How does this tie in to beginnings and endings- the beginnings and endings of relationships? How we come together, meet, build community, how we say goodbye, how we let go? Maybe this is my next dance – a dance about coming together, how to stay together, how to let go. I am realizing that I often fight to stay in a friendship far past its expiration date, it is hard for me to let go of intimacy once it has been built. This is my next dance.
This is a blog of processes. Through the sharing of media and writing I am following my impulses, teasing out and unpacking, translating, solidifying, and making concrete my investigations into something that can be shared.