To keep at it...

4/21/17

Once I know what is next I want to make it a priority to set some goals and schedules for msyelf.  I miss writing and I want to carve out time each day for this practice. I am feeling exhausted, almost as if I don’t care if I get a job.... typing doesn't work because it is too easy too erase. It is too easy to press delete, to censor, to wipe out the ideas that don’t satisfy, the ideas that I am afraid of. 

Dance making is a way of being.  It is a way to know and understand myself and the world arrond me.  It is a way of getting to know intimately another human being.  I am asking my dancers to open themselves up in the process. I am asking them to be vulnerable. What does it mean to be vulnerable- it means to be open to change, it means allowing the world to permeate you, it means keeping the borders/ wall down, it means noticing resistance and questioning it.  It means being available, present, it means saying yes to the uncomfortable.

I am good at making conversation, I am good at asking others questions about themselves. I am interested in their journey, because in some way their journey influences mine, the knowledge they have gained is passed on to me.

How can I cultivate myself as a whole person?

How can I develop the writing part of me, the part of me that desires to be published?

How can I believe more fully that these things matter?

Somewhere along the way things are loosing their fire.  I don’t feel as fired up; I am loosing that energy, that thirst, that push….but at the same time the dreams are getting bigger, I am making space for my reality to expand.  I am still driven, but the make or break it feeling is gone.  The feeling that this one thing is the most important thing in the world.  The feeling that every action is life or death. Is it because I am starting to deal with actual death?  It the reality of loosing the living making me see more clearly or is it making me jaded?

I find myself holding my breath.  That there is a tension in my lungs, in my ribs, a holding on, a holding on so tightly so that I won't fall apart, or that I am trying to keep it all in.  I feel a deep exhaustion today because I think I had been holding it all in, keeping it all together, and today I am letting the seams fall loose, the adrenaline is fading and the reality of a new day is upon me.

Open wide, yawn. stretch the face. My face needs stretching, it needs opening I have been holding so much in my face.  

What kind of book would I want to write? What do I have to offer the world? It is something about dance? Or something about living?  Is it telling the story of my journey thus far? It is research?

I feel less likely to deal with others bullshit.  I find myself drifting. Drifting as the . . . I can’t make it happen on my own. I can’t expect myself to hold myself accountable to doing it all.  I need guideliens, parameters. 

I think I need to start small.  Type for 5 straight minutes without stopping, and then add a few minutes every day.  To build my concentration is a new way is going to take time, take effort, to build stamina in any practice takes patience, determination, and perseverance.  I expect so much from myself. why? Why do I expect the world from me? Is it because I believe I can do it? Is it because I want to have a full life? Is it because I want to feel like not a second has been wasted?  It is because I am afraid of death? It is because I am happier when I am doing things?