Tuesday, February 27, 2018 2:14 pm
What is inside of two of the boxes – I want the top box to be empty – maybe blankets? I am imagining lots of blanets or maybe books??
Do I ever get inside the box?
Do I ever move with eyes closed?
What will I do with the blankets?
Do I constantly reorganize the space, reorganize it to the point where I finally decide to collapse it on itself?
What do each of these shifts signify??
Sound score needs fixing (longer version)
My breast feel so free outside of the bra…what are ways the bra is binding me, making me feel bound, making me feel contained…..How do my ribs have to constantly fight the bra..what a relief it is to be dancing unbound.
Control – what is being controlled? My body? My actions?
Not at all….
Rebekah, do you mind…..not at all.
I have a spirit of service, but how is that taken advantage of? How is that connected to gender?
I think of breast and what my family has been through – breast tissue as something that brings me pleasure but also a source of tremendous pain, frustration, a source of control
Is it possible to reclaim this tissue – there is an over saturation of breast, access of breast…..
Not gendered but a part of me…..
What does out of control feel like?
Role of stillness and solo motion in this work??
Words to move from:
Insistence / insist
“the political labor necessary of having to insist that what we are describing is not just what we are feeling or thinking. A feminist movement depends on our ability to keep insisting on something: the ongoing existence of the very thing we wish to bring to an end. The labor of that insistence is what I describe in this book” (Ahmed 6)
"spaces of encounter. How we are touched by things; how we touch things."
"To take care, to be careful"
"To become accommodating, we take up less space, a tightening, a narrowing,"
"What does it mean to fill a space? To take up space? To make a space?"
Can I imagine every cell of my body expanding to fill the room?
Can I counter habits of narrowing, redefine my presence in a room
Can I embrace my width and length…..
Neverless she persisted….
What is the embodiment of persistence and resistance….
Ashley Makes costume?
Remix of every female empowerment song?
Softness, vulnerability, emotions.
What if when the audience enters, I am writing. I am faithfully putting the words to page. The words that will be on the paper, the paper that will surround me, comfort me, claim me, the words that have inscribed me, my stories, my witness, my comfort, my joy, what if all the words are crumbled up on the floor. What if I dig myself a hole and begin underneath those words. What if I am born? What if I gather all the paper and let it comfort me, surround me, take hold of me. What if I begin with the paper, it feeding me, holding me, supporting me, caring for me…..
Paper all around, white with words, thousands of words. The work is the writing of the words. The work is inscribing it into being….
Paper, paper, paper, stand up,
Accumulate the gestures, the movement….
Full bodied coordination does not seem possible yet.
I can not get myself to move with energy. I need that paper….
More repetition of themes – returning to things – bringing it back – continuing experience, rhythmic repetition – effective – developed
Monday, February 26, 2018 2:30 pm
I am moving in the studio, working through the discomfort of my physicality in this moment, pain throughout, soreness, exhaustion, a general sense of too much.
It is all too much.
It is exhausting to try and do everything, be everything, the pressures I put on myself.
The conflicting desires, the precariousness of academia, the wondering what should get prioritized when.
The desire for rest, restorative, constructive….why does rest need adjectives. What does it mean to rest? Could I make a dance of stillness, a dance of rest.
This practice of moving pieces, this practice of rolling, pouring my weight on the floor, this practice of feeling my surfaces come in contact with other surfaces.
Wondering where I can find a home in dance.
Wondering who will accept me, who will make space for my practices.
Wondering why I need others, why can I not sustain this work alone
What does it mean to work alone?
Is there really ever the absence of other bodies?
Is my work always and constantly infused my the presences of others?
I feel the traces in my body.
I feel the traces in the space.
I imagine the studio ignited with the fires of all that have sweat in here before.
I want to support but I also want to be supported.
Who will ask me radical questions?
Who will support me in my investigations?
What frames – how do I move in and out?
In as much as out and out as much as in.
Tired of finding the compelling reason to get into the studio
Tried of doing the work, invisible work
Why do I want to visibilize this process in the studio?
What is my desire to be seen?
Seeing and being seen.
What does it take to hold the wholeness of someone and their complexities in front of you?
How can we speak to our pain in technique class?
Why is no one talking about these things in the context of dancing?
Why another ballet class??
Why can’t I focus my work – why can’t I selet a clear POV for what I do- name it- seek it, do it?
Tuesday, January 23, 11:55 am
I just finished a run of this new 21 minute solo….the solo that seemed to make itself. The solo about being a woman, about owning my womanhood, a solo about breasts and breast cancer and visibility of the flesh, a solo about reclaiming power and sexuality. A solo about walls, real and imagined, a solo that practices NO
The hardest words, I can not get louder, I do not feel the power inside me to yell. I do have the confidence to scream, my voice will only go so loud, my anger, there is no rage, I have not allowed myself to find rage, I have not allowed myself to push, push, push, I need to find the edges of my physicality, I need to push myself as a performer into uncomfortable ranges. I need to be ok with nudity, my nudity, my bare chest, I need those around me to give me permission to do with my body what I please. I need to give myself permission for desires, to expose, to find a vulnerability in being seen, in changing what I think of my body….I am working on pushing into new territory into being brave.
Why the sound, the sound of my hands
The shaking of my breast and ass
Believing that I have flesh….the flesh was so dirty…..I want to open up and I am scared of not ever taking risks artistically – I really want to push my work, I want to be a solo artist that does evening length work, I need to work my way up to a 50 – 60 minute solo and this 21 minutes feels like a good start – learning how to pace, how to fill time, how to have multiple events that are not specific choreography.
I need to keep running this dance, keep watching this dance, keep doing this dance – 3 times a week for the next 2 months- I need this opportunity. I am thirsty, I am hungry. I want to become the artist I respect, I want to apply my feedback, my choreographic mind to my own work. I want to grow and evolve and see myself as an artist. And it is terrifying, but in this movement I feel whole, I feel at peace, I feel heard, I need dancing more than dancing needs me. I need art for myself, I need art to feel whole, alive, present, embodied, I need art to move things through me. I need art to find my voice. I need art to scream, to have emotions, to have power, to feel physicality.
This dance is about being a woman but it is also a dance about my family.
Why the fans? I know the boxes are borders / barriers / walls….are the fans the same? but the delicacy, the being careful that they don’t break, the complexity, the walls that aren’t so easy – do they represent the multiplicity – here I am…..here I want to be, I need to be. I want to keep on moving, FORWARD.
What to wear? On top – just a shirt?
On bottom – legs exposed?
How to pace the work – sound landmarks?
Why have I been afraid to write? What am I afraid of opening, of saying?
How can I reenter this practice with a purpose, a clear intent of speaking my truth, of finding my truth?
Definitely different at the end
Transformation at the end??
Something has to change at the end. Who do you become?
December 5, 2017, 10:19 am
Making a new solo
I desire objects
I desire fans?
I desire to construct something and then deconstruct it
I desire to build, accumulate, form
As the work
The work is about constructing a universe
Entering the world
Re-entering the world
Transforming the space as the work
Transforming the space and thus transforming my body
My body as an extention of the architecture of the space
My body as object???
Can the space be a character?
Can the objects become characters?
Can everything take on a life of its own?
Why does this matter?
Finding all the ways to arrive
Finding all the paths
Always ending up at the same point?
How we arrive?
Does it matter the path we take?
I am interested in people's stories of arrivals and departures. I am interested in how you got here, to this moment.
I want to play on the stage-
Gesture- the architecture of gesture
Gesture as a device to find states of being
Gesture has tone, weight, power to take me somewhere, gesture is the expression of interior spaces
Process of what? Process of becoming – but who, what, where is becoming?
It is all part of the work – the putting on – does the work bookmark- begin and end with the empty space, the unmarked space?
Why the fans?
Why 3 fans?
Why their cords?
What is the appeal of the way that the cords trail?
Why the sounds?
How do each of these episodes begin and end and connect?
Do they each occupy a distinctly different state? A different feeling tone?
Or is this work about a detachment of self?
Can you even detach the self?
What is primary in this work? The movement or how the movements are performed? Am I stripping away the affect or not?
There is something so satisfying to me about these every day objects as sculptures.
I am having trouble sustaining a rehearsal process. I need to set a schedule – 1.5 hours or 2 hours?
I want someone else in the room with me.
Can the fan be any object?
At times I feel as though I am carrying a suitcase but I don’t want it to be a suitcase, I want it to be an object full of meaning but devoid of the actual associations. I want the object to be disassociated from its use, from its identity, can I do the same with the body?
What is the movement about – there is something about putting myself in relationship to the fans, to the architecture, about putting things next to each other, about letting my shape and its shape be in dialogue. The sound will be important here, the sound should be extreme, the sound should push against the calm, quiet, composed demeaner of the work, the sound should contrast, heavy metal music???
The shaping of the space is the transition between elements.
Does each section of the work deal with a different section of my body, a differnet section of my identity?
The building of these arms??
Something about the pelvis, something about allowing this space to have space, to take up space….
Picking up and putting down the fans, the rhythm of the sound, the delicacy of the object?? Buy fans?? What happens if I alow it to break?
Running, rhythm, hearing my feet hit the ground, no sound is important here
Behind the fans, using the fans as a boundary, a border, a designation of space
Carrying both the cord and the fan
How does my body place the object?
Stay longer in poses – duration of these,
Do I return to neutral?
Diagonal walk out from fans
Yes to placing the fan cord
Mariyn Manson’s Beautiful People
Walking on, placing fan with body folding, holding cord
Return to same off stage place? Yes?
Place all three fans
Return off stage
4th time walk on alone
Lie down on floor
Walk to arm out – 90 degrees
One more shape???
Walk to face back diagonal, other diagnol, towards phrase work
Very mechanical arm
Just straight out and over the top out?
Pick up in speed
Then gesture, gesture, gesture, gesture, slow motion
Slow motion shape
Fall to lunge
Arms forward and back, linear, traveling diagnol, increases in unpredictability
Arm to linear line and head slowly turns
Walk to fans
Wednesday, November 8, 12:01 pm
Are we not asking for complexity?
How can we invite complexity into our practices?
How can we recognize the multiplicities, contradictions, and complexities located within each of us?
How is showing up, bringing it all into the practice? How is showing up embracing the messiness, the pain, the suffering, the joy, the exhaustion, how can our movement practices be a space of moving towards these complications rather than away from them?
When we teach specificity, when we teach exactness, when we teach clearly defined movement material are we teaching simplicity? Are we teaching a singular, narrowly defined approach? How can we approach “set” material with as much openness, curiousity, and engagement as improvised material? How can we find as much flexibility, spaciousness, and malleability in these forms? And how is this connected to showing up?
Showing up means that I dwell inside of it.
Showing up means that I attend to my inner terrains just as much as the outer terrains.
Showing up means choosing not to.
Showing up allows for the possibility to do nothing.
I think about how I can accept the multiple parts of myself. I think about how I can embrace my pain, my sorrow, my wholeness.
What if a student lies on the floor the entire semester – is that not valuable work?
How do we necogicate all of these systems?
What does it take to envision a world not yet here? How do we exercise that muscle?
November 7, 2017, 3:48 pm
It feels nice to spend a chunk of time in the studio. I am looking forward to doing this with more regularity and I am angry with myself for not making this physical practice a priority.
I still can not make sense of the transition from head shaking to singing….something is not feeling right about how these ideas get connected…the singing now feels forced and I need to continue to figure out how to make it arise from the inside, out. I am also not going quite deep enough, I have not been able to sink all the way into the void. Is that the space I am inhabiting, a void deep inside? I am reminded of the Orville, I am reminded of space, these vast interior terrains, universes, systems, this vast, uncharted territory, the space within. I am feeling more and more driven by the expressiveness of the hands, these gestures of protecting, of coming towards midline and these guestures of reaching out in space, searching for something, finding something, I am making meaning of in / out, these feelings of opening and closing
Opening, the great release, the expansion, the circles, the image of star systems
Closing, bracing, bracing for an impact
Reminding myself to only live through it once.
There is all this energy, all this matter, all these things inside that have no where to go, how do I create a practice of energy, a practice where I am moving through these built up forces?
Life force, there is a part of me that is always screaming to be let out.
Void. I think that I am OK when I am dancing.
When I am moving, everything keeps circulating.
When I am moving, those thoughts and feelings that are destructive are released out into the world.
When I am moving, I am taking care. Dancing is a practice of connecting to my whole self, it is a practice of healing, and performance heightens that? Performance is what allows me to get there – holding of space for me, arrival takes more than just me.
I have questions about how to rehearse, I need to constantly invite people into the room with me. I need the presences of others…but why?
What would it mean to make a dance for the community? What would it take to make a dance for someone else? This is such a foreign concept to me, I can not comprehend how one would make that dance.
October 19, 2017, 1:30 pm
It is hard for me to find time for my own practices, for being in the studio alone, for moving, for taking time, for concrentarting my attention, and I need that badly today. I need to narrow my attention, as my nervous system feels a bit unconcentrated, a bit over-engaged. I wonder why these practices serve me- I wonder if I can sustain this, I wonder if I want to keep going at this. I wonder if it is worth it. I wonder if I can do less, if I should do more, I wonder and I try to keep myself studying, keep myself curious and open and moving, moving, moving, moving, going, going, going, do not stop, do not let yourself become complacent, keep shifting, keep changing, keep evolving, keeping going at it, is there a lack of acceptance of myself as I am or is this drive a desire to be present, to live, to consider each moment for itself and all its possibilities.
Why do I desire to fight habit, why do I desire to be aware, painfully aware, what is my obsession with awareness, with knowing, with understanding, with seeing, do I want to be seen? How do I want to be made visible? How do I want to show up in a space and demand visibility? In what ways am I selfish in my practices?
I wonder about my marriage – and children, I wonder about equality- I wonder if we can be parents who mutually raise a child- I think about the influences on my life- books- books guided me – writing- it has always been an essentially part of who I am. I always wanted to be visible as a writer – acknowledged for these thought processes.
I wonder about performing- how much I miss that but how much I just miss the opportunities to dance, to be forced into a certain kind of attention, a certain seriousness, what I love about performance is that it demands concentration, it demands focus, it demands attention, what I love about performance is that a space is being held, a certain energy, a certain gathering together of forces, what I love about performance is what it brings out in me, a committement, an engagement, a deep prescense. I want more spaces where I am held to that accountablility – that need to say yes, to radically be here. It is a demand to be in the now. I miss the newness of performance.
I am running out of words but am committed to writing, and its hard when there is no one in the space saying yes, when there is no one in the space who is encouraging you, supporting you, holding you, believing that you can and will stay with it, there is an unspoken rule that I will keep going, that I will stay with it, that no matter what unfolds on the stage, the show will go on, you will keep at it, you will not stop, you will not give up, you will not change your mind and decommittment. Performance is accountability, it is a social contract saying that I will be preparing and I will be with you. Performance is a community, performance is showing up in that community and fulfilling your end of the bargin. I love making, I love the process of making, but what I realize is that I desire there to be consequence. I desire for someone to care that I showed up. I desire to be in this process together. This is why I make solos, to know myself, yes, to move through, in, with, yes, but also because I know that the performance will result in togetherness. Even if the process didn’t allow us to gather, we will gather –
Wednesday, September 27, 2017 12:35 pm
I know that this practice has value. I know that this practice is necessary to my evolution as an artist, but there are moments where I wonder how I can prove it, how I can capitalize on this process, and I wonder about capitalism and its affect on my trajectory in the arts. Do I desire to publish in order to commodify my practice? Do I desire to publish in order to meet the demands of a capitalist society that value works, productivity, and labor? I believe that teaching is one way of sharing knowledge, of being in dialogue with others, to form communities of learning. In what ways do journals / magazines create these communities – they bridge the gap between places, they allow people to exchange ideas and be in conversation about issues regardless of where they are located.. I believe in the value of published writing, I am a avid reader, I am constantly reading,
I read to understand a world that is different from my own. I read to escape the world that I am located in. I read to deepen my engagement with ideas. I read to open doors, widen possibilities, expand horizons. Yet, I am struggling to write for publication and I wonder why? I wonder why I feel hesitant to work in this way – is it because I am lacking the capacity to deepen a singular engagement – writing would force me to commit to a line of inquiry- but I feel that I do this in practice – I have been committed for quite some time to depatterning, decolonizing, stripping away habits in moving and thinking….but I am having trouble to committing to composing in writing….how do I cultivate this practice?
In what ways is decolonizing your mind a part of somatic practices? Both practices are about shifting ways of being in the world, both practices look toward the unconscious, both practices are about bridging awareness, habit, and action.
How can somatic practices begin to take a more active role in social justice movements?
How are they uniquely positioned to help us address the issues of twenty-first century?
Maybe my concern is finding a writing style that works well for me……
Monday, September 25, 2017 11:51 am
I am hungry. I am hungry for all of this tension to end. I hate discord, I hate disruption, I hate feeling as though I am caught in the middle, or is it that I hate that I am not confident in my rightness, that I am unsure about whether or not my point of view is right, these binaries keep sneaking in, this either / or way of thinking, this us versus them mentality and I am working towards shifting, fluid, what if we think of the body as being boundary less…..but that is also its own set of problems
How can I find a sense of permeability in my performance?
How can I allow their to be influence?
Is it easiest for me to allow the space to influence, to partner with the space, to duet with where I am located.
It is easiest for me to locate myself in my internal terrain.
It is harder for me to locate myself in the bigger landscape – how do I contextualize my work within the field, who are my influences? Who am I influencing?
I am tired, tired of feeling like I have to justify my way of being in the world.
I refuse to be the expert in the room, I am constantly negociating all my messiness.
Where am I located?
Maybe I teach a class, write a paper about permeability……this is a somatic idea
Whole – whole includes out and in
In as much as out
Out as much as in
Teaching me to show up
In the Alexander Technique, awareness of self in movement……
How to capture, hold onto all these ideas, how to make sense of them, how to discern what is important, what has relevance?
I can not hold my concentration when writing, I am wandering, I am not present, I am searching, I am searching for an idea to stick.
While I was Dancing (title of paper?)
“invisible made visible”
“how they mingle and compound; how lead one deeper into the unknown and point to mysteries. And find their way back to the familiar and expressible”
“A barrier had been pierced, a dam broken, her body had pitched her into feeling”
“It’s something that is no good trying to hurry” (Carrington 130)
“You’ve got to take the time. You’ve got to be prepared to take the time it takes” (Carrington 131)
"asking more than they are capable of in that moment…..what you ask, how much you ask, and what you insist on….." (Carrington 54)
“what we need is a kind of awareness which is as wide as possible, taking account as many factors as we are capable of” (Carrington 92)
It seems all so much bigger than a dance.
July 18, 2017, 5:08 pm
I allowed that version to be the most different, I said yes, I did not hold onto the material as tightly, I allowed the material to morph, change,
More happened differently – and I am not sure what / how to make sense of it
Spinning at the end, the urge to turn and turn just like I did as a kid, why was I spinning? Was I spinning in order to match, to meet the disorientation? Was I spinning for the pleasure, for the joy of not knowing where I am, for the letting go, the freedom that comes from allowing yourself to disorient? Where did that impulse come from?
There are moments where I wonder what this solo looks like….but I have to believe that the material works because of how it feels…or perhaps because of how it feels, I know that it is working for me.
How do you develop your capacity to respond to work?
How is responding different then critiquing?
How is responding different then giving feedback?
These are good questions for performance workshop….
I am worried about being found out, about being caught with less knowledge then expected, desired, that eventually my inexperience will show.
I miss my AT work- touch that finds out, touch that listens, touch that stays as connected with self as it is sensing, how does this apply to my feet when dancing??
I had too much time – how does one pace a dance- I found myself making choices that felt bold, new, and different, but I questioned their compositional merit
How do I balance these agendas? When is the composition agenda appropriate? When should I prioritize the experience of dancing? Is the compositional part of me afraid that the dance won’t “look” a certain way – is it caught up in the way that the body appears?
What are the politics of appearance?
Can a dance exist without a concern in how it appears?
Can a dance be made entirely based on the experience of its performance?
In other words, how much do I allow form to dictate – and what does form serve? Who does form serve? How do one decide on the form of the dance? How do you measure engagement when you are inside of the dance??
Is it an inner censor with me? Is it a witness? How am I calling these shots when I am improvising? Performing? What do I prioritize?
Can a thoughtful dance be successful without a concern for what it looks like?
What makes a dancing body successful? What makes a dance “work”?
Would I watch anything if the logic of embodiment held???
Is my standard a beauty? A shape?
How do I define grotesque?
Who is in the space with me when I am performing?
Who is my inner voice? How is my inner voice making decisions? How was this voice formed?
How do I get comfortable neglecting / abandoning the material? Where is the discomfort in straying? How do I respond when I am in unfamiliar territory? Is there where habit shows up?
This is a blog of processes. Through the sharing of media and writing I am following my impulses, teasing out and unpacking, translating, solidifying, and making concrete my investigations into something that can be shared.